we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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