your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
