didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize
