i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
