idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
