mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
