Someone shit on the floor
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize