what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
