she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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