Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
