Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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