: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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