There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
