Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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