My cat gives me a boner
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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