brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
