just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
