Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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