I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
