i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
