I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
