I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
