i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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