neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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