I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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