the day after is always just damage control
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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