Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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