just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
