We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
