drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize