you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
