I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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