Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
