Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
