i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
