Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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