that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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