using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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