It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
