this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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