just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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