i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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