"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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