I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize