my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
