I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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