you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
