Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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