I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
