I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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