Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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