Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
