She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
