i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
