some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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