Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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