I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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