Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
