I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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