how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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